When establishing a Muslim family, the husband should choose the best wife and the wife should choose the best husband. Because good selection and thorough research and scrutiny are important pillars of a successful marital life and serve as a highly reliable foundational brick when laying the foundation of a new family. Islam places great emphasis on the selection of a wife or husband and has laid down many rules and regulations for a strong structure and prosperous family and a happy life.
Islam does not give as much importance to outward appearance and resemblance as it does to a person’s essence, pure nature, cleanliness of heart and faith, and the rectification of actions.
A wealthy man passed by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), and he asked: What do you think about him? The companions replied: He is worthy of marriage; if he recommends someone, his recommendation should be accepted; if he speaks, he should be listened to attentively. The Prophet (peace be upon him) remained silent. During this time, a poor Muslim passed by, and the Prophet (peace be upon him) asked again: What is your opinion about him? They replied: He is so destitute that if a marriage proposal is sent on his behalf, no one would marry him; if he recommends someone, no one would accept it; and if he speaks, no one pays attention to him. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“This one is better than all those people on earth like him.”
In this way, the infallible Prophet (peace be upon him) taught his companions that a person who is insignificant in their eyes is better and superior to countless people who are so respected and honored in their hearts. The criterion for the difference between these two is piety and good deeds, not outward splendor, wealth, status, or honor…!
The Importance of Choosing a Religious Person:
According to the excellent guidelines set by Prophet Muhammad Mustafa ﷺ for choosing a wife, a religious person should be preferred over an irreligious one. As the prophetic saying ﷺ states:
“Marriage is contracted for four things: wealth, lineage, beauty, and piety. You should seek the religious one.”
The real criterion for a man when choosing a wife is piety and chastity, but if the wife is wealthy, the husband can benefit from her wealth with her consent. If two women are equal in piety (if comparison is possible), then the beautiful one is preferable, but a beautiful yet irreligious woman should not be preferred over a religious woman of ordinary appearance.
The families of the husband and wife should search for the best spouse for their son or daughter before starting the marriage, then thoroughly investigate and be satisfied regarding their religion, morals, and psychological conditions. Good selection and honesty at the beginning, even if it results in no marriage, is far better than after marriage and eventual failure.
As mentioned earlier, Islam desires that the wife be religious, of noble origin, and from a righteous, believing family. Because a woman’s character and morals are greatly influenced by the environment in which she was raised. Similarly, her children inherit many of her morals and habits by heredity, so choosing a religious and morally upright wife is essential so that she teaches her children high morals, excellent character, exemplary values, and admirable manners. Hazrat Aisha Siddiqah (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Prophet ﷺ said:
“Choose a capable partner for your offspring, marry the capable and competent, and do the same (for your daughters and sisters).”
If a woman is ignorant in religious matters but beautiful, her trial is very severe because it is difficult for the husband to leave her and impossible to bear separation from her. Her situation is like the person who came to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ and said: O Messenger of Allah! I have a wife who does not refuse anyone who touches her hand. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Divorce her.” He said: I love her and cannot bear separation from her. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Then keep her.”
Imam Ibn Kathir has declared its chain authentic.
In Tafsir Ibn Kathir, Ibn Qutaybah (may Allah have mercy on him) says: By “she does not refuse anyone who touches her hand,” it means she is very generous and does not refuse any beggar. It is also said that her nature does not like to refuse anyone who touches her hand. It does not mean she has ever done something immoral because the Messenger of Allah ﷺ would not permit staying with such a woman, as in such a case her husband would be a disbeliever in manliness and shameless, and the Prophet ﷺ has issued a severe warning against him. But because there was no element of resistance or opposition in private, the Prophet ﷺ ordered her to be divorced. When he said he loved her, the Prophet ﷺ allowed him to keep her because his love was sincere and genuine, while the evil was only a possibility, so one should not commit immediate harm out of fear of imagined harm.
In Islam, the basis for selection and preference is the soundness and correctness of faith, and morals are considered before beauty. That is why the natural religion advises and urges choosing piety and God-fearing as the primary condition when selecting a husband or wife because it is the strongest pillar of a prosperous and stable family.
If beauty and charm are not within the strong protection of religion, morals, and fear of God, they can lead to family destruction and disgrace and shame for the offspring, falling into the mire of immorality, risking honor and dignity. A righteous wife proves to be a helper and supporter in religion. The hadith states:
“Whoever Allah grants a righteous wife, it is as if He has helped him with half of his religion; the rest he should fear Allah in.”
And the saying of Mustafa ﷺ is:
“The world is the provision of pleasure, and the best provision of the world is a righteous woman.”
Despite Islam placing religion as the foundation and primary condition for marital reform, happiness, and stability, a pleasant appearance and beauty are also desirable because chastity is attained through them. Generally, nature flees from ugliness.
The prophetic hadith does not forbid considering beauty and charm when choosing but reproaches marrying solely for beauty despite religious deficiency.
As previous discussions and hadiths show, Islam does not object to learning about the perceived qualities of the wife before marriage within limits and restrictions. A man came to the Noble Prophet ﷺ and said he had married an Ansari woman. The Prophet ﷺ asked, “Have you seen her?” He said no. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Go and see her, for the Ansar’s eyes have something (defect).”
Scholars explain that this means their eyes have a slight squint. Some say their eyes are small, and others say bluish, but in Abu Awana’s Musnad, the hadith states: “Their eyes are small,” and this is reliable.
Mughira bin Shu’bah (may Allah be pleased with him) sent a marriage proposal to a woman, and the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said to him:
“Look at her! This will be better for lasting affection between you.”
A woman came to the Beloved of Allah ﷺ and offered herself for marriage. The Prophet ﷺ glanced at her figure and then lowered his head. When the woman saw that the Prophet ﷺ did not make a decision, she sat down.
