The Husband’s Right of Divorce and Its Etiquettes
After the establishment of the marital bond between a man and a woman, most religions do not entertain the concept of separation and divorce. However, sometimes when there is no compatibility and harmony between the temperaments of both, separation and divorce are in the best interest of both. Therefore, Islam has granted the man the right to divorce, but it has been emphasized that this right should be used only as a last resort. This is why Islam has given the man the right to divorce on one hand, and on the other hand, it has provided such guidelines that, if followed, generally prevent the situation from reaching divorce. However, since the majority of the public does not have a proper understanding of Islamic teachings, even minor disagreements often lead to divorce. Therefore, it is necessary for men to gain a proper understanding of the instructions and teachings that Islam has given and explained for dealing with the wife, which are as follows:
Method of dealing with a woman:
In this regard, Allah Almighty has given the first guidance in the Holy Quran:
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِنْ كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَ يَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا
And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.
Meaning, you may dislike your wife for certain reasons, but despite this dislike, Allah may grant you righteous offspring through her or bless your business because of her. In both cases, there is goodness for you. Thus, in this verse, Allah Almighty has emphasized good conduct and maintaining relations with wives despite dislike, and the Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) has explained it as follows:
لا يفرك مؤمن مؤمنة ، إن كره منها خلقا رضي منها آخر
No believing man (husband) should harbor hatred for a believing woman (wife); if he dislikes one of her habits, he will like another.
The meaning is that one should not divorce the wife merely because of dislike, but rather consider the other good qualities she possesses. By doing so, some of her disliked traits will become bearable for you. This is such an excellent prescription and method for maintaining relations with the wife because no matter how bad someone is, there are always some good qualities in them. If a person focuses more on the good qualities, it becomes easier to overlook faults and shortcomings, and thus the matter does not worsen. If only men would keep this prophetic guidance in mind.
Instruction to Consider a Woman’s Natural Weakness :
In a hadith, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
إن المرأة خلقت من ضلع ، لن تستقيم لك على طريقة، فإن استمتعت بها استمتعت بها ، وبها عوج، وإن ذهبت تقيمها كسرتها، وكسرها طلاقها
Woman is created from a rib (therefore, like the first rib, she is crooked). She will never be straight for you in any way. So if you want to benefit from her (as a wife), then you can benefit from her with that crookedness (by bearing with it). And if you try to straighten her, you will break her, and breaking her means divorcing her.
This is the second prophetic guidance on dealing with women, and it means that naturally, there is some crookedness (lack of intellect and stubbornness) in a woman’s temperament. Because of this nature of women, sometimes bitterness and tension arise in the home. A man who is patient, tolerant, possesses endurance, and understands this nature of women, shows patience and tolerance and adopts an attitude that does not increase bitterness, thus he manages the situation. But those who, on the contrary, adopt a harsh attitude towards this delicate glass (woman) and think on their own that they will straighten her, fail in straightening her (because no one can change innate temperament and nature), but they ruin their home, meaning the matter reaches divorce. And hastily giving divorce is also the way of impatient and intolerant people.
Sermon and Advice, Separation from the Bed, and Some Discipline :.
Despite following the aforementioned instructions, if the home environment does not become pleasant and the woman’s behavior does not improve, Allah Almighty has instructed to adopt three more measures. These three measures are as follows:
وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا
And those women whose disobedience and ill temper you fear, admonish them and leave them alone in beds and beat them. But if they obey you, then do not seek a way against them.
The order in which these three things are mentioned depends on the circumstances and events, whether it is possible to act in the same order or not. Apparently, this is the natural sequence.
◈ When an unpleasant matter arises, efforts are made to correct it through admonition, advice, and guidance.
◈ If this effort proves ineffective, the man generally expresses his displeasure and dissatisfaction by cutting off interaction and conversation with the woman.
◈ If the problem is still not resolved, then a little physical reprimand is permitted, but such that it does not cause any physical harm.
However, sometimes the order is completely reversed and the physical reprimand comes first. In any case, following this order is not mandatory, but it is necessary to follow these instructions.
Great caution is required when implementing the third measure. Some people misuse the permission to beat in a very crude and brutal manner, defaming Islam by claiming that Islam allows women to be beaten severely and oppressed, which is not true. Islam does not permit oppression or cruelty to anyone. A woman is a companion of man and the second wheel of the vehicle of his life. Without her, a man’s life is both joyless and laborious. A woman brings pleasure and happiness to his life and also bears the burden of his hardships (household responsibilities). The permission to beat a little means only for her correction, so that the vehicle of life runs smoothly. That is why the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said that if there is a need to beat, then do so lightly so that no mark is left, and do not beat on the face either.
Recommendation to appoint two arbitrators (two third).
If despite following the above three instructions within the confines of the home, bitterness and tension between husband and wife do not subside, then as a last resort, Allah Almighty has commanded that outsiders intervene to reconcile them. Accordingly, Allah Almighty has said:
وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِنْ أَهْلِهَا إِنْ يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا
And if you fear a dispute between the husband and wife (that it will not end), then appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. If both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause harmony between them.
If their efforts at reconciliation fail, then they have the option of judgment, and they will either decide separation accordingly or report to an authorized judge, who will make the decision.
The emphasis on following all these stages before divorce is so that the dispute leading to divorce is resolved without divorce. However, if despite this there is no alternative to divorce, then certain etiquettes for divorce have been prescribed so that even after divorce, the possibilities of reconciliation and returning remain. These etiquettes are as follows:
Etiquettes of Giving Divorce :.
The first instruction in this regard is that divorce should be given in a state of purity without intimacy.
In the Holy Quran, it is stated:
فَطَلِّقُوهُنَّ لِعِدَّتِهِنَّ
You divorce during the period of purity (iddah).
The beginning of iddah means the woman being free from menstruation; the state of purity marks the start of iddah.
By adhering to this first instruction alone, the rate of divorce can be greatly reduced. Generally, divorce is given immediately in anger and agitation. If a person observes the etiquette of giving divorce and waits for such a state of purity in which he cannot have intercourse, his anger and agitation will subside or lessen, and
only the person who has made a definite and final decision to divorce will give it.
The second etiquette is that only one divorce should be given at a time; giving three divorces at once is not the correct method according to any school of thought. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) also expressed strong disapproval and anger towards this and described it as تلعب (playing) with the Book of Allah.
Benefits of One Divorce:
The benefit of this one divorce is that if the husband feels remorse and realizes his mistake after the divorce, he can reconcile within the waiting period (3 menstrual cycles or 3 months). If the waiting period passes, their relationship can be re-established through mutual agreement by remarriage, and there is no difference of opinion among any school of thought on this. After giving divorce a second time, similarly, reconciliation within the waiting period and remarriage after the waiting period is possible. This means that Allah has given the man the right to divorce twice in his lifetime and then reconcile, i.e., he can divorce once and reconcile, then after some time divorce again and reconcile; doing so is permissible, but by doing this he has used both of his rights. Now, if at any point he gives a third divorce, it will not be permissible for him to reconcile within the waiting period, nor will it be permissible to marry her again after the waiting period. Until such time as his divorced wife marries someone else properly with her consent (and the permission of guardians), and then by chance that husband dies or she divorces him by her own will, only then will it be permissible for her to marry her first husband again.
The common practice of Halala is absolutely forbidden and unlawful.
Intending to marry someone with the condition of making the marriage lawful with the first husband, which is called Halala, is not a marriage but fornication. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) cursed it:
لعن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم المحلل والمحلل له
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) cursed both the one who performs Halala and the one for whom Halala is done.
How can an act be permissible when the Prophet (peace be upon him) has cursed and prayed against it? Therefore, the prevalent Halala is a cursed act and has no justification.
In any case, instead of giving three divorces at once, giving one divorce is the best method of divorce. This method of divorce does not cause the problems that arise from giving three divorces at once, nor does it create any disagreement among scholars, nor does it necessitate the prevalent Halala, which is a cursed act. Moreover, this also resolves the issue of divorce. After giving divorce, if reconciliation does not occur even after three menstrual cycles, the divorce becomes effective and the woman’s relationship with the first husband ends, after which she can marry whomever she wishes.
The third etiquette of divorce is that after giving divorce (first and second divorce), the woman should neither be expelled from the house nor should she leave on her own, but she should remain in the husband’s house. Allah Almighty said:
لَا تُخْرِجُوهُنَّ مِنْ بُيُوتِهِنَّ وَلَا يَخْرُجْنَ
(After divorce) do not expel those women from their homes, nor should they themselves leave.
The wisdom of this has been explained by Allah Almighty Himself:
لا تدري لعل الله يحدث بعد ذلك أمرا
You do not know; perhaps Allah will bring about a new situation after that. This means that perhaps Allah will create affection in the husband’s heart for the divorced woman, and because she remains in his house, he will feel compassion for her and be inclined to reconcile. For this reason, some commentators have said that this verse advises giving only one divorce and forbids giving three divorces at once because if he gives three divorces at once and Shariah permits and enforces it, then saying “perhaps Allah will bring about a new situation” becomes meaningless.
In our society, this guidance is also ignored, and as soon as the man divorces, the woman is taken by her parents or siblings and is not allowed to stay in the husband’s house, although after a final (third) divorce, this is correct because after that the husband has no right to reconcile. But after the first and second divorce, this is not correct because the husband has the right to reconcile, so by her staying in his house, the possibility of reconciliation remains and should not be wasted.
A fourth etiquette mentioned is that if reconciliation does not occur after divorce, the divorced woman should be sent off kindly. And او تسريح باحسان means exactly this.
Moreover, at this occasion, they are commanded to be given some gift or present. It is said:
وَمَتِّعُوهُنَّ عَلَى الْمُوسِعِ قَدْرُهُ وَعَلَى الْمُقْتِرِ قَدَرُهُ مَتَاعًا بِالْمَعْرُوفِ حَقًّا عَلَى الْمُحْسِنِينَ
And provide for those (divorced women) benefits! For the wealthy, according to their ability, and for the poor, according to their ability, according to the custom, providing benefits is obligatory for those who do good.
Elsewhere it is said:
وَلِلْمُطَلَّقَاتِ مَتَاعٌ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ حَقًّا عَلَى الْمُتَّقِينَ
And provide for divorced women according to the custom; this is obligatory for the righteous.
Regarding this provision (benefit), some scholars have said it refers to a servant or 500 dirhams or one or several suits, etc., but this specification is not from Shariah; Shariah gives every person the authority and command to give provision according to their ability. Moreover, this provision should be given to every divorced woman regardless of the type of divorce. The generality of the second mentioned Quranic verse indicates this.
The wisdom and benefits of this provision do not need explanation. At the time of bitterness, tension, and disagreement which causes divorce, doing kindness and comforting the woman is a very important means to prevent future expected hostilities. But in our society, instead of this kindness and good treatment, the divorced woman is sent off in such a bad manner that the relations between the two families are broken forever. If at the time of separation, good treatment and soothing of hearts (comforting) were observed according to the Quranic command, it would have countless social benefits. If only Muslims would act upon this very important advice which they have forgotten.
Some contemporary Mujtahids have argued from متاعٌ and مَتَّعُوهُنَّ that the divorced woman should be given a proper share of her property or be provided maintenance for life. These two things are baseless; how can a man who has considered a woman extremely undesirable and excluded her from his life be willing to pay her expenses for life or give her a share of his property?
Disadvantages of Giving Three Divorces at Once:
◈ Giving three divorces at once is not only against the instructions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) but also a clear deviation from the Quran and Sunnah.
◈ The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) described it as تلعب بكتاب الله (playing or mocking with the Book of Allah), and playing or mocking with the Book of Allah can never be the way of a Muslim.
◈ Only three schools of jurisprudence consider it valid, which negates the wisdom and intention of Allah Almighty in the first and second divorces, where a person is supposed to reflect on the difficulties that follow after giving divorce. If he feels that the divorce is causing more complications and troubles, he can reconcile during the waiting period (iddah) of these two divorces and after the waiting period, he can remarry his divorced wife.
◈ Implementing three divorces at once eliminates all possibilities of reconciliation and compromise, leading to broken families and innocent children becoming helpless. This is why even among all jurisprudential schools, three divorces at once are not considered permissible (although they accept its issuance and implementation). Even in October 2001, newspapers published the recommendation of the Islamic Ideological Council to declare giving three divorces at once a punishable offense. This is a good suggestion, but along with it, if these combined divorces, where the person giving divorce intends only one divorce and uses the word three for emphasis, are counted as a single divorce, then this law will provide immediate relief to the public. The public needs immediate relief, not punishment. Considering the current circumstances and the ignorance of the public, many scholars of the Hanafi school have also supported this viewpoint, the necessary details of which you will find in this book.
Divorce is the right of the man:.
The mentioned etiquettes of divorce and the harms of neglecting them have been stated incidentally so that the man uses this right correctly and does not misuse it to bring disrepute to Islam, because Islam did not grant them this right to oppress women through it or to defame Islam. Allah Almighty has given men this right to affirm their superiority and precedence; they should prove themselves worthy of it, not deny this entitlement.
Allah has not given the woman the right of divorce:.
Allah has not given a woman the right to divorce a man whenever she wishes and separate from him, because a woman is physically weaker compared to a man and also inferior in mental and intellectual capacities. Due to physical weakness, she lacks patience and restraint, and due to differences in intellectual abilities, her capacity for understanding and reasoning is also less. Because of these two weaknesses, her decisions are often influenced by haste and emotions. If a woman were also given the right to divorce, she would use this right hastily or emotionally and would ruin her own life. The social discord and disruption that would arise from this is unimaginably distressing. You can gauge this from the social reports of the West and Europe that were compiled and published after women were granted the right to divorce there.
Studying these reports confirms the truth of Islamic teachings and the weakness of women, which is why men have been given the right to divorce but women have not. The quick temper, irritability, ingratitude, and emotional nature of women that we mention are also confirmed by Hadith. For example, in one Hadith, the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
ورأيت النار فإذا أكثر أهلها النساء يكفرن، قيل : أيكفرن بالله؟ قال : يكفرن العشير ، ويكفرن الإحسان، لو أحسنت إلى إحداهن الدهر ثم رأت منك شيئا قالت : ما رأيت منك خيرا قط
I saw Hell and the majority of its inhabitants were women, (the reason being) they are ungrateful. It was asked: Are they ungrateful to Allah? He said: No, they are ungrateful to their husbands and forgetful of favors. If you do good to one of them throughout her life, then she sees something displeasing from you, she will say immediately, “I never saw any good from you.”
When a woman’s nature and temperament are such that she forgets a lifetime of favors due to one unpleasant thing from the man, if she were given the right to divorce, you can imagine how easily she would destroy her home. This nature of women was not only described by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) but has also been acknowledged by Western intellectuals and thinkers. In any case, this is the weakness of women due to which Allah has given men the right to divorce but not women, because it is in the woman’s own interest. A woman’s interest lies in being connected to a man and living as his companion, not in destroying the home. And this interest of the woman is better observed and maintained by the man through patience, restraint, and endurance. Therefore, this Islamic ruling is also in the woman’s interest, although today’s women, influenced by misleading propaganda, consider it oppression. But Allah, the Most Merciful, through this law of divorce, has taken into account her natural weakness and shown mercy, not oppression. As Allah the Exalted says:
وَمَا رَبُّكَ بِظَلَّامٍ لِلْعَبِيدِ
And your Lord is not one to wrong the servants.
For further details and explanation, see the article “Islamic Law of Divorce” by Altaf Ahmad Azmi included in this book.
