When laying the foundation of a Muslim household, a husband should choose the best wife and a wife should choose the best husband. For good selection and thorough investigation are important pillars of a successful marital life, and they hold the status of the most reliable foundation stone when laying the foundation of a new family.
Islam has given great attention to the choice of a wife or husband, and has laid down many rules and regulations for a strong structure, a well-established and prosperous family, and a happy life.
Islam does not give as much importance to outward appearance as it places emphasis on a person’s inner quality, purity of nature, the cleansing of the heart and belief, and the reform of deeds.
A wealthy man passed by the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, and he asked: “What is your opinion of this man?” The Companions replied: “He is worthy of being given in marriage; if he intercedes, his intercession should be accepted; and if he speaks, he be listened to with full attention.” The Prophet ﷺ fell silent. In the meantime, a poor Muslim passed by, and he asked again: “What is your opinion of this one?” They replied: “This one is so destitute that if he sends a proposal of marriage, no one will marry him; if he intercedes, no one will accept his intercession; and if he speaks, no one will pay attention to him.” The Prophet ﷺ said:
“This one is better than earthfuls of people like that.”
In this way, the Prophet ﷺ taught his Companions that a person who is despised in their eyes is better and superior to countless people who are so respected and dignified in their hearts. The criterion for distinguishing between the two is piety and the balance of good deeds, not outward splendour, wealth, status and honour……!
The Importance of Choosing a Religious Spouse:
On choosing a wife, the excellent principles set by the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ require that a religious person be preferred over an irreligious one. As the Prophet ﷺ said:
“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. So choose the religious one.”
When choosing a wife, the fundamental criterion is religiosity and piety, but if the wife is wealthy, the husband may benefit from her wealth with her consent. If two women are equal in religiosity (if such a comparison is possible), then the beautiful one will be preferred; however, a beautiful but irreligious woman should not be preferred over a religious woman of ordinary appearance.
The families of the husband and wife should seek the best life partner for their son or daughter before the marriage begins, and then should thoroughly investigate and be satisfied regarding their religion, character, and psychological condition. Good selection and honesty at the outset, even if it results in the marriage not taking place, is far better than failure after marriage and in the end.
As has been mentioned before, Islam desires that the wife be religious, of noble origin, and connected to a righteous, believing family. This is because a woman’s character and conduct are strongly influenced by the environment in which she was raised. Likewise, her children also inherit many of her morals and habits by heredity. Therefore, choosing a wife who is religious and of good character is essential, so that she may teach her children high morals, good conduct, exemplary values, and admirable manners. Hazrat Aisha Siddiqa, may Allah be pleased with her, narrates that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:
“Choose suitable (partners) for your offspring, marry those who are capable and skilled, and choose in the same way (for your daughters and sisters).”
If a woman is ignorant of religious matters but beautiful, her trial is very severe, because it is difficult for the husband to leave her and impossible for him to bear patience over separation from her. Her situation is like that of the man who came into the presence of the Noble Messenger ﷺ and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I have a wife who does not push away the hand of anyone who touches her.” The Prophet ﷺ said: “Divorce her.” He said: “I love her and cannot bear to be separated from her.” The Prophet ﷺ said: “Then keep her.”
Imam Ibn Kathir declared its chain to be jayyid (sound).
In Tafsir Ibn Kathir it is stated that Ibn Qutaybah, may Allah have mercy on him, said: His saying “she does not push away the hand of anyone” means that she is very generous and does not refuse anyone who asks. It has also been said that her nature does not like to push away someone who touches her. It does not mean that this has happened and that she is immoral, because the Noble Messenger ﷺ would never permit living with such a woman, since in such a state her husband would be a cuckold (dayyuth) and shameless, and the Noble Messenger ﷺ issued a severe warning regarding this. But since there was no element of resistance or opposition in her nature in private with anyone, he ordered him to divorce her. When he said that he loved her, he permitted him to keep her, because his love was sincere and genuine, while the evil was only a possibility; therefore one should not commit an immediate harm out of fear of an imagined harm.
In Islam, the basis for choosing and selecting is founded on the soundness and correctness of faith, and character is considered before beauty. For this reason, the religion of nature has advised and urged that, when choosing a husband or wife, religiosity and fear of Allah be adopted as the first condition, because this is the strongest pillar of a prosperous and stable family.
If beauty is not within the strong enclosure of religion, morality, and fear of Allah, it may fall into the quagmire of obscenity, heedless of the consequences of family ruin and the disgrace and shame that fall upon children, and may even put honour and dignity at stake. A righteous wife proves to be a helper and supporter in religion. It is stated in a hadith:
“Whoever Allah has granted a righteous wife, it is as if He has helped him with half of his religion; let him fear Allah regarding the other half.”
And the saying of the Chosen Prophet ﷺ:
“The world is a provision of enjoyment, and the best provision of the world is a righteous woman.”
Despite the fact that Islam places religion as the foundation and first condition for marital reform, happiness, and stability, a pleasing appearance and good looks are also desired, as they lead to chastity, because natural disposition generally shuns ugliness.
The hadith of the Prophet has not prevented taking beauty into account when choosing, rather it has reprimanded marrying merely for beauty despite religious deficiency.
As is apparent from the previous discussion and the hadiths, Islam sees no harm in gaining an acquaintance, within limits, with the perceptible qualities of a woman before marriage. A man came into the presence of the Noble Messenger ﷺ and told him that he had married a woman from the Ansar. The Prophet ﷺ asked him: “Have you seen her?” He said: No. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Go and look at her, for the eyes of the Ansar have something (a defect).”
The people of knowledge explain that this refers to a squint (narrowness) in their eyes; some have said it refers to smallness in their eyes, and others said blueness. But in the Mustakhraj of Abu Awanah there is a hadith that “their eyes are small,” and this is the reliable one.
When Mughirah ibn Shu’bah, may Allah be pleased with him, proposed marriage to a woman, the Noble Messenger ﷺ said to him:
“Look at her! That will be better for lasting affection between you.”
A woman came into the presence of the Beloved of Allah ﷺ and offered herself in marriage to him. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ looked over her figure, then lowered his head. When the woman saw that he had not made any decision, she sat down.
