This excerpt is taken from Dr. Yusuf al-Qaradawi's book Halal and Haram in Islam, translated into Urdu by Muhammad Tahir Naqqash.
Looking at the woman to whom the marriage proposal is to be given
When a Muslim decides to marry and intends to propose to a specific woman, before taking any step regarding the marriage, he may look at that woman once. In such a case, it is permissible to look at the woman so that he can take a thoughtful step. Otherwise, he might proceed blindly and later regret how to get rid of that trouble.
The eyes are actually the messengers of the heart, and through the eyes, the heart is affected and intimacy is created between souls. Imam Muslim, may Allah have mercy on him, narrated from Sayyiduna Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him:
كنت عند النبى صلى الله عليه وسلم فأتاه رجل فأخبره إنه تزوج امرأة من الأنصار فقال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم أنظرت إليها؟ قال لا - قال فاذهب فانظر إليها، فإن فى أعين الأنصار شيئا
"I was present with the Prophet, peace be upon him, when a man informed him that he was marrying a woman from the Ansar. The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, asked: Have you seen her? He said: No. He said: Go and look at her, for there is some defect in the eyes of the Ansar."
Reference: Muslim, Book of Marriage, Chapter on Encouragement for One Who Intends to Marry a Woman ... Hadith: 1424
Sayyiduna Mughira bin Shu’ba, may Allah be pleased with him, also narrated:
أنه خطب امرأة فقال النبى : أنظر إليها فأنه أحرى أن يودم بينكما فاتى أبويها فأخبرهما بقول رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فكانهما كرها ذلك فسمعت ذلك المرأة وهى فى خدرها فقالت: إن كان رسول الله امرك أن تنظر فانظر.... قال المغيرة: فنظرت إليها فتزوجتها
"He sent a proposal to a woman. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said: Look at her, for in such a case there is a strong possibility of compatibility between you." Mughira, may Allah be pleased with him, came to the woman's parents and informed them of the Prophet’s instruction. They thought it inappropriate. But when the woman heard from behind the veil, she said: If the Messenger of Allah has said to look, then look. Mughira, may Allah be pleased with him, says: Hearing this, I looked at her and married her."
Reference: Musnad Ahmad: 246/4 - Tirmidhi, Book of Marriage, Chapter on Looking at the Betrothed Woman, Hadith: 1087 - Nasai, Book of Marriage, Chapter on Permissibility of Looking Before Marriage, Hadith: 3237 - Ibn Majah, Book of Marriage, Chapter on Looking at the Woman One Intends to Marry, Hadith: 1866 - Sunan al-Darimi: 134/2 - Hadith: 2176
To what extent can the betrothed woman (the woman to whom the marriage proposal is sent) be looked at? The Prophet, peace be upon him, did not explicitly specify this. Some scholars say that the face and palms can be seen. But the question arises: what is the special characteristic of the one sending the proposal? These parts can be looked at even without sending a proposal! The exception for looking for the purpose of proposal implies that it is permissible to look somewhat more than what is normally allowed. The hadith states:
إذا خطب احدكم المرأة فقدر أن ينظر منها بعض ما يدعوه إلى نكاحها فليفعل
"When a man sends a proposal to a woman and it is possible for him to look at her to the extent necessary for marriage, then he should do so."
Reference: Musnad Ahmad: 360/3, wording by him, narrated by Abu Dawood in the Book of Marriage, Chapter on a Man Looking at a Woman, Hadith: 2082
On one hand, some scholars permit looking to this extent, and on the other hand, some scholars have a very strict approach in this matter. The better approach is moderation and balance. According to some researchers, the person sending the proposal should be allowed to see the betrothed woman in such attire in which she comes freely in front of her father, brothers, and other mahrams. Moreover, permission should be given to take the betrothed woman, accompanied by a mahram, to a place where she usually frequents, in order to observe her understanding, taste, and distinctive characteristics, provided that the place is of a permissible nature and the betrothed woman is in Islamic dress. This is because these matters are included in the meaning of the hadith phrase "to the extent necessary for marriage."
Reference: Al-Mar’ah Bayna al-Bayt wal-Mujtama by Ustadh al-Bahhi al-Khouli, p. 24
The person sending the proposal can look at the betrothed woman either by informing her and her family or without informing them, provided that the intention is truly to propose marriage. Sayyiduna Jabir bin Abdullah, may Allah be pleased with him, said about his wife that he used to try to look at her while hiding behind a tree.
Reference: Musnad Ahmad: 334
From the above hadith of Sayyiduna Mughira, may Allah be pleased with him, it is understood that it is not permissible for a Muslim father to prevent a person who truly wants to propose marriage to his daughter from looking at her under the pretext of customs and traditions. It is necessary that customs and traditions remain subordinate to Shariah. Making Shariah subordinate to customs and traditions is a grave mistake.
Similarly, it is not permissible for the father, the person sending the proposal, or the betrothed woman to misuse the permission by allowing a young boy or girl to put their arms around each other in parks, roam around amusement parks, markets, and fairs under the pretext of proposal, without any mahram relative accompanying them. Even if a mahram is present, wandering in such places is not permissible; this would be an improper use of the permission to look before marriage, which is completely forbidden and sinful. Nowadays, the new generation, enamored with Western civilization, adopts such methods.
The reality is that extremism, whether on the right or left side (excess or deficiency), is completely incompatible with the temperament of Islam.
Forbidden Forms of Delivering a Message
➊ It is not permissible for a Muslim to send a marriage proposal to a woman who is observing the waiting period (iddah) due to divorce or the death of her husband. Since the waiting period is meant to respect the previous marital relationship, it is not permissible to transgress in this matter. However, a woman whose husband has passed away may, during her waiting period, imply or hint that she is willing to marry, but she cannot send a clear and explicit proposal. Allah Almighty says:
وَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْكُمْ فِيمَا عَرَضْتُم بِهِ مِنْ خِطْبَةِ النِّسَاء
"And there is no blame upon you for that to which you [indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves. Allah knows that you will have them in marriage."
Reference: Surah Al-Baqarah: 235
➋ The second point is that it is forbidden to send a marriage proposal on behalf of a Muslim brother if their communication has reached the stage of success. Because the person who sent the first proposal has acquired a certain right which must be respected. Also, for the sake of improving relations among people and avoiding dishonorable conduct, it is necessary to refrain from doing so; otherwise, it would mean depriving the first person of his right, which would be a form of injustice. However, if the first person who sent the proposal abandons his intention or himself permits the other person to send a proposal, then there is no harm in the second person sending a proposal. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
المؤمن أخو المؤمن فلا يحل للمؤمن أن يبتاع على بيع آخيه ولا يخطب على خطبة أخيه
"A believer is the brother of another believer; it is not permissible for a believer to trade on his brother’s deal, nor is it permissible to send a proposal on his brother’s proposal."
Reference: Muslim, Book of Marriage, Chapter on the Prohibition of Proposing on One’s Brother’s Proposal, Hadith: 1414
He also said:
لا يخطب الرجل على خطبة الرجل حتى يترك الخاطب قبله أو يأذن له
"No one should send a proposal on behalf of another until the one who sent the proposal abandons his intention or permits the other person."
Reference: Bukhari, Book of Marriage, Chapter: No one should propose on his brother’s proposal, Hadith: 5142; Muslim, reference to previous Hadith: 1412
Permission should be taken for marriage with a virgin girl and no coercion should be applied
A young girl holds primary importance in the matter of her marriage. It is not permissible for her father or guardian to disregard her opinion or ignore her consent. The Prophetic saying (Hadith) is:
الثيب احق بنفسها من وليها والبكر تستأذن فى نفسها واذنها صماتها
"The husband of a widow has more right over her than her guardian. And permission should be sought from a virgin regarding herself, and her permission is her silence."
Reference: Muslim, Book of Marriage, Chapter on Seeking Permission from a Widow in Marriage by Speech, Hadith: 1421
وجاءت فتاة إلى النبى صلى الله عليه وسلم فاخبرته أن أباها زوجها من ابن أخيه وهى له كارهة فجعل النبى الأمر إليها فقالت: قد أجزت ما صنع أبى ولكن أردت أن أعلم النساء أن ليس للآباء من الأمر شيء
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said that her father had married her off to his nephew, but she did not like this match. The Prophet (peace be upon him) gave her the choice to decide. She said: I uphold the marriage that my father arranged. Actually, I wanted to inform women that a father does not have the right to marry off his daughter without her consent."
Reference: Ibn Majah, Book of Marriage, Chapter on One Who Marries Off His Daughter Against Her Will, Hadith 1874, and its chain is weak
It is also not permissible for the father to delay the marriage of the girl upon the arrival of a proposal from someone who is religious, moral, and equal to her. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
ثلاث لا تؤخرها الصلاة إذا أتت والجنازة إذا حضرت والأيم إذا وجدت لها كفؤا
"Three things should not be delayed: prayer when its time comes, a funeral when it is present, and the marriage of a single woman when a suitable match is found."
Reference: Tirmidhi, Book of Funerals, Chapter on Hastening the Funeral, Hadith 1075, and its chain is weak
He also said:
إذا آتاكم من ترضون دينه وخلقه فزوجوه إلا تفعلوه تكن فى الأرض فتنة و فساد كبير
"When a match comes forward whose religion and character you are pleased with, then marry her to him, otherwise there will be great turmoil and corruption on earth."
Reference: Tirmidhi, Book of Marriage, Chapter on Marrying One Whose Religion You Are Pleased With, Hadith 1085
